Charlie Buttrey

April 14, 2019

I was a huge fan of “Car Talk,” the Saturday morning NPR program featuring “Click” and “Clack.” The show, alas, went off the air a couple of years ago.

I was thinking today about a feature they once ran called “Worst High School Metaphors,” which led me to the interwebs, which led me to these gems, some of which made me laugh out loud.

  1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
  2. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
  3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  7. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
  8. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
  9. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  10. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  11. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  12. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  13. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  14. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  15. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  16. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  17. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
  18. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
  19. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
  20. He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.

© 2019 Charlie Buttrey Law by Nomad Communications