Charlie Buttrey

March 20, 2023

On a slow day, I thought I’d share some fairly funny Tweets that have popped up on the interwebs recently.

My boyfriend bought a kazoo and, in unrelated news, he can’t find it for some reason. — @nnnatchos

Executive: I’m just worried the name “Hippos” doesn’t convey how hungry they are. Game Designer: How about “Hungry Hippos”? Executive: Better, but not strong enough. Game Designer: “Hungry Hungry Hungry Hippos”? Executive: Haha, don’t — let’s not get crazy. But we’re close… We’re very close. — @TheAndrewNadeau

Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails. — @UnFitz

Pharaohs were buried with their forearms across their chest because of the ancient belief that there would be water slides in the afterlife. — @craydrienne

I’m fortunate to have so many people in my life who care about my problems. Heck, I’ve even had complete strangers yell “What’s your problem, lady?” — @ddsmidt

It’s funny how we say “a bug hit my windshield” when we are the ones going 70 mph. I’ll bet the bug’s family describes it differently. — @MelvinofYork

Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My God, I have never known such boredom.” — BoneChocolates

Odysseus: We now set out on our odyssey. Sailor: [raising hand] What’s an odyssey? Odysseus: A long journey named after the only survivor. Sailor: Oh, OK. Wait, what? — @mister_blank

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised. — @Contwixt

My son once asked me to explain the essence of the song “Cat’s in the Cradle” to him and I told him, “Not now.” — @chalzamora

So, the robber shouted, everyone lay down. Then I said, “lie” down. Oddly enough, I was the only one shot. — @Scotzilla667

It’s weird that we use the phrase “like taking candy from a baby” to mean something easy instead of something disturbingly psychopathic. — @TheAndrewNadeau

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