November 19, 2023
The New Hampshire presidential primary is coming up, and candidates are lining up to be on the ballot.
I’m not talking about candidates like Trump, Desantis, Christie and Haley.
I’m talking about the 30 lesser-known candidates who have plunked down the required $1,000 fee and will appear on the ballot. They include:
– Vermin Supreme. Supreme has sought the highest office in the land for 34 years. Supreme wears a rubber boot on his head and promises that, if he wins, every American will get a free pony. He often carries a giant-sized toothbrush; his platform includes mandatory teeth brushing. In a recent video, Supreme said: “I’m the only candidate who has released their dental records. None of my opponents have released their dental records. Are they soft on plaque? They may be.”
– Paperboy Love Prince. Prince, a rapper and nonbinary activist from Brooklyn, wore a brocade jacket, gold pantaloons and Super Mario-esque shoes made by the designers behind Lil Nas X’s Satan sneakers when filing at the State House last month.
– President R. Boddie. Boddie said God tasked him with running for president. A central plank of his platform is uniting the United States and Israel into one country. “There is no ‘If I don’t win,’” Boddie said. “Any time that demon called ‘Doubt’ tries to creep into my head or flesh, I talk to Jesus. God said I’m already the president. I’m already the president of the United States of America.” Boddie ran for Governor of Georgia in 2022, and his website describes a “Luciferian Agenda” thusly: “Meanwhile, they’re talking about a Civil War between Roe and Wade, and don’t you know that the word Roe means ‘red hair’, and Wade means ‘blue waters’ (crossing the blue waters). See, Red versus Blue? ‘right’, because the Democrats wore Red in the 70s and Republicans wore blue in the 70s. Now there’s been a shift. It’s all a game!”
– Mary Maxwell. A self-described “hardcore constitutionalist,” Maxwell believes the federal government has too much power. She fought for several years in defense of convicted Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, believing that he was innocent, having been framed by the FBI. Maxwell sued the FBI and tried to impeach the judge involved in the case.
Supreme (pictured below) probably said it best when he mused “I am the elder statesmen of wingnuts.”
